Such is the life of the pseudo-politico-muso journalist that this week planned “PPP” has had to be put on hold due to The Americans’ inability to have an electoral system which makes any sense, produces a result that makes any sense or gives the rest of the world any sense of what’s sensible. We were sort of relying on you guys to either go full-on mad or full-on crazy, whichever suited. Instead it’s full-on insane and nobody knows what is happening or when. This is not good when your average pseudo-politico-muso journo has a deadline to keep. By the time you read this it might well be all clear but for now, dear reader, we’re going parochial this week and bring you a transcript of actual events which took place nearer to home. There’s enough, we think, to keep us going until the point where we know whether Donny John or Sleepy Joe is going to have his finger on the nuclear button.
So we sent our correspondent to cover events concerning the EHRC report into the darkest depths of our Official Opposition and he came back with this verbatim report:
“We’ve found a witch – may we burn him?”
“How do you know that he is a witch?”
“He is ‘sinister’…”
“Ah – you mean of the left as in the Latin?”
“Yeah. Maybe. Whatever”
“Sinister/dexter – left/right”
“He’s not called Dexter. He must be sinister”
“What are his crimes?”
“He eats babies”
“Does he really?”
“Yes. We think so. Maybe”
“We thought he was a vegetarian…?”
“He eats veggie babies!”
“Do you have any proof?”
“He likes a cheese and onion pasty”
“Ah…”
“So that’s good enough”
“We see where you are coming from…”
“Also he is a lifelong antiracist, a man of principle and a thoroughly decent guy”
“OK…any other damning evidence?”
“He wanted to change the accepted order of things and steer the country towards a more equal society in which everyone contributes and everyone benefits, according to means and needs”
“Fuck
“We know – that’s dangerous, right?”
“How does he feel about circumcision?”
“Don’t get us started…”
“How does he feel about put upon minorities?”
“Don’t get us started…”
“So…he’s sort of an antichrist figure?”
“God yes”
“Isn’t that a little ironic?”
“Babble…babble…”
“What?”
“Babble. Babble”
“We don’t follow…?”
“Babble”
“Ah – ok. We see”
“So can we burn him?”
“Yeah – we don’t see why not”
“Will he be allowed a right of reply?”
“Let him try”
“So he can’t question your findings?”
“Let him try”
“And we can pretend to occupy similar political ground whilst clearly not doing so?”
“Go for it”
“Nothing stopping us…?”
“No. You are the perfect people for the job”
