At Americana-UK ‘Club Night’ the other evening (club night is where we get together to imbibe huge quantities of alcohol then try and club the other bastards to death over the slightest grievance – usually but not exclusively who has the best/most obscure taste in music) one of the topics of conversation on the agenda was “What do you like most about November?” A simple enough question one would think but being the contrarians that we are we demanded clarification and after a brief round of fisticuffs we had the question reposed thus: “What do you like most about this November?”
Satisfied with our show of democratic might we set about making a list of our top highlights of this ninth month of the year (yeah we know it appears at number eleven but we didn’t devise the calendar). After much deliberation, much heavy drinking and only a small amount of bodily harm we came up with this list:
Yep. The whole thing was blank. We came to a consensus that whole sorry affair was an unmitigated fucking disaster and the sooner it fucked off the better. I mean shit – it’s getting cold, it’s raining, all the leaves have dropped off the trees and the only thing that most people have to look forward to is the collective madness known as Christmas – that ‘happy’ time when people are forced to spend money they don’t have on presents that people don’t want and in return get shit that they don’t need. Anyway in the end it was an opportunity for us to return a list more reflective of our curmudgeonly nature…
The American election: almost half the people voted for a lunatic. Anecdotal evidence says that the orange bloke nearly sent the bombers into Iran in order to start a war as a sort of good bye gift to the American people.
The EHRC report: nice bloke got fucked over for defending himself by former mates in the pay of a politico-religious lobby. This in spite of the EHRC report telling them not to do so.
PPE: lots of people with absolutely no qualifications were given lots (and lots) of money to come up with stuff like gloves and aprons and the like. The process made much (much) easier if you had a pal in the government. Gawd bless free enterprise we were told.
Lockdown: apparently some sonny-jims had been a bit naughty by sneaking off for a quick pint with a buddy when it was inappropriate to do so so the rest of us had to stay in our homes all curfew like. Except that didn’t apply if you were a corporation or had a need to desperately spend money with a corporation.
Vax: in a desperate search for a good news story we were told that one, two three…innumerable vaccines were just round the corner and we could all relax. Upside – it could be available at some unspecified time in the future. Downside – all those antivaxers on our Facebook feeds who we previously thought to be ok have outed themselves as cranks.
Bang: people are still buying fireworks. And still letting them off and frightening domestic animals. Why? Why not just burn an effigy of some cunt you don’t like on a bonfire. Much more fun and much more quiet. We’ve seen fireworks. They all look the same.
Celebration: It was The Editor’s birthday this week. We each and everyone foreswore oral sex with him but a couple of us might have kissed his ring. (I’m just checking that you do proof read this Mark…)
So, all said and done, the best thing we could find to say about this November is that it at least at some point it will stop raining. Then we’ve got the snow and frost to look forward to: