The Editor – a surly cove to some and a man of wealth and taste to others – has determined that it is time for the Great Americana-UK Towers Decennial Electionfest. Much, much, much more to come on that in the coming weeks here on your unfavourite poli-blog but this week we were more concerned with a new report into a certain tragedic happening of note.
Some months ago The Editor, as is his wont, rose for breakfast and demanded toast. It was, as per usual for us his minions, a case of scrunching up printed press releases of the latest no-hopers, setting fire to them with a gallon of petrol and standing at arms length with a few slices of gluten-free, wheatgerm soda bread skewered on a toasting fork fashioned from the remnants of the CDs we used to get sent for review. On this occasion a stray spark from the fire caught on The Editors nail varnish and the whole place was set on alarm as his carefully manicured talons went up in smoke. The liveliest among us sent down to the village for the local lads Volunteer Smoke Detection Force to pitch up with a pail of water, a bucket of sand and a willful disregard for their own safety. On arrival the lads – Blue, Skew, Arsehole, Big Phew, Titwank, Scuffle and Cunt – set about managing the blaze to the best of their ability. Sadly things went awry and The Editor lost several eyebrows, a quantity of nasal hair and his best nose-picking talon. “Forshame” we exclaimed to a man and woman “Someone must pay for this”.
To this end we entreated the local People’s Republic of Liverpudlia Town Council (Department For Passing The Buck Division) to launch a complete and definitive enquiry into the dastardly affair. They’ve been in the pub for some months now and have finally published their Review (Part One; Section 11A B). In it they comprehensively blamed the Volunteer Smoke Detection Force for “being useless twats”. We are nearly ready to sign of on that but we have some questions which I can exclusively reveal here:
- Why was the previous team of Hugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub reduced by eleven thousand souls and replaced by the present lot (actually one bloke with a several barrelled surname)?
- Why was their funding (to include training and equipment) slashed by some millions of pounds?
- Why was health and safety (AKA ‘red tape’) demoted to a secondary issue
- Why was The Editor’s nail varnish passed fit for use when trials in Brazil resulted in it being condemned as ‘unfit for purpose except when wanting to torch vast areas of rainforest’
- How the fuck do you sleep at night? I mean, seriously, you are trying to put the blame on the Fire Brigade when the corporate arseholes responsible for cutting budgets, numbers and regulation hide behind their hands?
- We look forward to the next phase of your report. Bear in mind that very many people still use that brand of nail varnish
- We reserve the right to use tenuous musical links because the title fits our purpose
