Well we are relatively OK here at AUK Towers thanks for asking. Obviously we can lock the door to The Bunker and in any case the extra security that we flew in from Romania are doing sterling work in keeping the hoi-poloi from the grounds. The bar is still fully stocked because our suppliers are deemed too unimportant to protect their staff and furlough them. And we are keeping to a strict regime which is important for our mental health at this time of lockdown. One thing we make sure to do is to honour the daily ritual of “Kissing The Editor’s Ring” which we all enjoy because it gives us a sense of importance and is a reminder that we need to keep our priorities in order despite the lack of social distancing. Also it is in the AUK Constitution and we must honour the Constitution above all else including, like, y’know, common fucking sense.
Anyhow it has come to our attention, patchy internet notwithstanding, that The Government has refused to guarantee a public inquiry into their handling of the Covid 19 situation. This is odd because a lot of people will have a lot of questions about this. Currently all questions put to the government have to be answered with the response “Stay at home and wash your hands”. Sage advice but not particularly insightful. Sometimes we are also told to “Protect the NHS” which itself causes some raised eyebrows given who is making that comment but we can’t say that because we would be treated like all the other mad, insurgent, anarchist fools out there who have the temerity to be unpatriotic at this time of national crisis.
However there are some things that will need to come out in the wash…stuff like what happened to the 2016 Cygnus report on pandemics? Or why are we exporting PPE to some places whilst simultaneously importing it from others? Or what about Supply Chain Coordination Limited a private company wholly owned by The Secretary of State for Health and Social Care (not Matt Hancock the simpleton politician with a penchant for shiny badges but the holder of that office of state) whose role it is is to “become the strategic procurement partner of choice for the NHS”. Or where do the Germans get their testing gear from and why can’t we? Or if we are being “guided by the science” which science are you choosing since for every ten scientists there are twelve opinions? Or where was Johnson during those first five COBR meetings? There’s clearly all manner of stuff that we need to know (and yes we really do need to know it because you politicians are accountable to us, lest you forget, and are not above scrutiny no matter what you might like to think).
Perhaps we need a chief inquisitor… someone like Chuck Prophet here who gets to the nub of questioning in this tune.