This week at Americana-UK Towers we have been mostly practising at being Shroedinger’s Worker – a concept where we are simultaneously both working from home and working from the office. It seemed the only sensible thing to do given the current government advice. Likewise we have been eating at Old McDonnell’s – the local ethical eatery where they pay you to consume the stuff and they have a terrific free broadband connection – but sadly that has now come to an end given that we don’t usually get up until three in the afternoon so a ten o’clock curfew badly impacts on our lunch. On the upside we have now taken to wearing our masks 24/7 which is handy when you need to mouth “You fucking wanker” at a colleague or passing musician and not be heard. This does mean that we are no longer able to play songs by Van Morrison, Ian Brown or Noel Gallagher (being anti-maskers) but only two of them won’t be sadly missed.
We were concerned that Bobby Bob – the local beat constabulary representative – was facing the prospect of redundancy. Apparently Boz The Turk – serial liar, philanderer, Latin speaker and leader of the pack of ne’er-do-wells based somewhere in Shitminster – announced that The Military could be drawn on for support ‘where necessary’. Bobby Bob presented himself at our door as a figure of abject shame and political poverty. Despite his weapons training (his knee is insured for literally ten quid) he thought that Boz was going to do away with his job in favour of Major Major-Major (Rtrd), the local bloke responsible for most of the feedback in the comments section of Americana-UK. We say ‘apparently’ because despite watching the words come out of his mouth on live TV we couldn’t quite believe it.
Obviously we can’t categorically say that there will be troops on the street. That would clearly be a last resort. And we can’t categorically say that those troops will jack-booted goose-steppers. Ridiculous. What we were thinking is that with Brexit looming large, the wholesale collapse of our economy, no food or medicines getting through, panic in the streets, wide-scale discontent of the populace, rioting by suburban Mr and Mrs Smith-Blue and a complete lack of any kind of understanding by the fucking morons who elected the fucking morons who bought this about that the simple suggestion of us being able to rely on the intervention of The Military seems like a pretty good idea. There are historical references here but we trust that our reader will be aware of them.
Anyhow we played Bobby Bob this tune. It’s fucking awful but he seemed to like it:
