This week we were somewhat concerned that local rag – The People’s Republic of Liverpudlia’s Armageddon Times and Advertiser – ran a piece which was clearly in contravention of The People’s Republic’s Declaration on Inhuman Rights. Local law enforcement giant Bobby Bob was interviewed about how he had taken his local authority issued bike on a cycling holiday around a neighbouring republic and whilst there had afforded himself the opportunity to observe the local law enforcement’s methods of subduing the nasty, unwashed miscreants that litter their society.
Apparently it was an eye-opener (at least for Bobby Bob – the miscreants generally ended up with their eyes shut, permanently). He is reported as saying that “the punishment should fit the crime and I’m pleased to say that we are now able to transfer some of those skills to our own Republic”. Intrigued we looked a little further into the article. Who knew that a choke hold was acceptable for the heinous offences of littering, jaywalking and the pressing of a button at a zebra crossing unnecessarily? Harsh but fair was our conclusion. Who knew that tasering was acceptable for the heinous offences of expectorating, nose picking and arse scratching? Harsh but fair was our conclusion. Who knew that letting the dogs on the fuckers was acceptable for the heinous crimes of dropping a fag butt in a clearly labelled “No Smoking Area”, dropping a fag butt in a clearly labelled “Smoking Area” and dropping a fag’s butt in a clearly labelled “No Gay’s Area”? Harsh but fair was our conclusion. Obviously anything above this requires a capital sentence, as it does here, although bestiality remains a matter of personal choice for animal lovers.
Bobby Bob, on his return to familiar pastures, was delighted to recount his tales of enlightenment to local hack Rupeta Mac-Odure and thus the piece was published. Sadly much loved local am-dram princess Vixen Fleak, enamoured of the descriptions in Bob’s article of how sunny it was and how good the local chip shop was in the neighbouring republic, saw fit to publicise the thing on the interwebs. That was ok since everyone knows that Vixen, whilst being much loved, is also a brain-wrong who has unfeasibly curly blonde hair which clearly points to a character defect. The matter could have finished there but one of our writers, Merton Adjective-Castle, saw fit to re-publicise the thing on the interwebs and this is where our problems began. Don’t bother flicking over to our ‘Contacts’ page because all references to Adjective-Castle have now been removed. We’ve got this. There wasn’t actually any wrongdoing and there was actually no offence meant. But quite obviously we have to be seen to do ‘something’ – picking up fag butts, butting up fags, fagging up butts and so forth – so any chance that we get to ‘right the imaginary wrongs’ will do us.
Bobby Bob got his smack on the wrist for using a local authority authorised transport method for personal use, Vixen Fleak was identified as a fucking nut-job and Merton Adjective-Castle is no longer with us. Nothing to see here so please move on. Oh, and don’t mention Bobby “Bribe-Take” Generous or we’ll get really fucking angry really fucking quickly.