Down here in The Bunker at Americana UK Towers we have five lever locks and ten bolts on the door. Mostly this is to keep out the hoi polio – fans who want to snog us and get our autographs, depressed singer/songwriters who want to take us to task for dissing their life’s work, bailiffs who don’t get the joke that not paying the rent is a piece of performance art and politically savvy folk who vehemently disagree with our editorial policy of being politically neutral.
Actually that last one is a lie (since nobody actually reads this column). It’s little understood, even by Artjom and Maksim the Estonian cleaners to whom we pay The Living Wage and who are designated key-holders, that the fourth lever lock and the ninth bolt were added to specifically keep out Heavy Metal fans. Now it must be understood that we have no issue with Heavy Metal or any of its derivatives. Indeed on Karaoke night many of us are baying for the chance to wail into the mic and hold our crotches (in a non-threatening and asexualised way) to a soundtrack of guitar solos and ponderous drumming. So we were surprised when this week news reached us that Richard Burgon (Shadow Justice secretary) who is friends with heavy metal band Dream Troll (never heard of them) had won a libel case against national ‘newspaper’ The Sun (never heard of them). The Sun claimed that the MP for Leeds East’s mates in Dream Troll had used Nazi imagery on an album sleeve. Burgon co-wrote and contributed vocals to a song on said album. So bang to rights then.
Except that the cover art was a skit on an extant Black Sabbath album (heard of them) to wit – ‘We Sold Our Souls To Rock And Roll’ (you’ll have to Google that). The ‘s’ looked a bit lightening shaped. Which means it was a symbol of the Schutzstaffel which in turn meant that Burgon was unfit for office and an unconscionable rogue who, in turn, should probably do one. Even Tom Neutron-Bomb, The Sun’s (never heard of them) Political Editor, turned up in court to say his piece. As it goes The Beak, realising The Sun’s (never heard of them) case was as flimsy as shonky as House of Commons majority, essentially told them to fuck off and stop being a twat. Which was refreshing. Burgon got 30k out of it.
Result we’d say. All of this leads us to this tune (we are talking the title in an ironic sense) which is an absolute corker: