It’s been a grim week here at Americana-UK Towers. Firstly it pissed it down like an incontinent Colossus bestride Rhodes. Secondly – in order to get him to sleep after throwing a tantrum – some American Secret Service agents strapped Donny John into a car seat and drove him around for a bit (accidentally infecting anyone in the hermetically sealed vehicle with a potentially deadly virus which will be a scenario familiar to exasperated parents everywhere). And thirdly it was revealed that a populist right-wing government’s outsourcing of vital public works to the private sector was, as suspected, a monumental fuck up proportionate to befriending rats during the Bubonic plague, deciding that due to his height/weight ratio Goliath was the better bet and agreeing that Greek horses couldn’t be that bad.
We could cope with the rain – this is AUK after all and without discussion of poor weather in the UK we are nothing. We could cope with Donny John’s malfeasance because that’s, like, a thousand miles away across the Atlantic and it appears to be a poor imported sit-com. We found it very difficult to cope with the utter incompetence of our government however. Individuals are difficult to pin down. For example Mass Wank-Cock, health bloke, is clearly educationally subnormal so we can cut him some slack. Ugli Plat-Titudes, home bloke, is clearly educationally subnormal so we can cut her some slack. Rich-boy Sickinducer, money bloke, is clearly quite clever so is in the frame for blame and Horace Bum-Some, Latin speaking head boy, is beyond parody but is in the top job so…
We have no idea what platform that you are reading this site on but whatever it may be we sincerely hope that it is up to date. Enough so that it can do the job of word processing, possibly making voice calls or at least have an interface that knows what an interface is. We hope that the car you drive, whilst not necessarily electric or eco-friendly, at least has synchromesh. And we hope that your TV isn’t black and white only (qualifying you for a license discount) but if that’s your bag we are ok with it. What we can’t be doing with is a public body run as a private company headed by a Wank-Cock suggesting to a further private company entrusted to run shit on a for-profit basis deciding to use software meant for sixth-formers and sole traders who need to simply know what a spreadsheet looks like. Not to actually use it but just know what it is.
And here we find ourselves. Using an outdated technology in our hour of greatest need. Something akin to writing the latest handsfacespace on a scroll of papyrus and setting it adrift in a basket of rushes.
It’s all a bit shit to be fair. Like this: